I survive on intimacy & tomorrow/ that’s all I’ve got going. . . .-lady in yellow
Why blog? Why now? Because I don’t have it all together, I’m seeking balance and I’m ready to learn. Because I know I’m not alone.
I turned 35 years old last year. In anticipation for my birthday, which always brings me kind of down, I decided to try one new thing every week. I tried pilates, the barre, new restaurants, and then, one day I went to a hot yoga class. My teacher was amazing, and I left feeling renewed, my mind was at peace, and I’d finally taken time for me.
My life was a mess. I’d worked for years as a trial lawyer, in and out of courtrooms, and jailhouses- representing people through their toughest times. I was so good at working for everyone else, that I’d let myself go. Even when I left that job and took one with a slower pace, I’d forgotten to take time for myself. I was the chair of the Board of Directors for a non-profit organization, ran for a state-wide office with the Bar, and joined another club, which required at least forty-eight hours of community service a year. I had a beautiful toddler, beautiful husband- although we weren’t connected, and a beautiful, if small home. And yet. . . I was still dissatisfied. I’d worked so hard to achieve all of these things, and yet, I wasn’t happy. I was stressed out all the time, and my mood was as changeable as the wind. I was always fussing, often angry, and tired, and I just wasn’t enjoying my life.
Fast forward to today. . . I don’t have it all together. But through my practice I have found the beauty in letting go of effort, and enjoying where you are. I stopped seeking acclaim from those outside, and paid attention to how I feel. . . and you know what? A lot of those extra things left my life. Like, over the course of months, I resigned from the Board of Directors, lost the state-wide election, pulled back from some of my social groups-just to see how it felt. . .it felt fantastic!- and focused on myself and my family. I don’t have it altogether, but hey. . .
“bein alive, and bein a woman, & bein colored/ is a metaphysical dilemma I haven’t conquered yet. . . . Do you see the point?
I’m striving towards being a better me. I’m more focused on the inside, and conquering this metaphysical dilemma. I’m not as concerned with my outside accomplishments, winning cases, and getting bonuses from work. . . I’m more concerned with finding inner peace, and learning to truly love myself and others. . . Join me for this journey. . . I think it’s the one most worth taking. . .
-Lady in Yellow