Tag Archives: first time mom

On law school. . . and marriage. . . in that order. . . after my miscarriage

I graduated from law school eleven years ago.  At the time, it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. I was twenty-four years old. I’d set my sights on a goal and marched towards it.  There were times I thought I might quit. When I was fighting and arguing with other women, when my friends excluded me, and made fun of me, and that had nothing to do with my school work- which was grueling, challenging, and mind-altering.

I made it through. And purchased a pair of mulberry stilleto heels to celebrate my graduation. I’ll never forget meeting a lady during a reception after graduation and she looked at me and said, “You are the one with the shoes!” .  .  . I loved those shoes. I finished law school, walking across the stage to shake the hand of our speaker and the dean, my family watching proudly as I became the first attorney in our family in those shoes. (More to come about life and law after graduation. . .)

Fast forward eleven years later. I had an early miscarriage a few weeks ago. I was down. After the miscarriage,  I was struggling with my blog. . . how do I encourage when I need it all for myself.  My cup was empty.  I was grieving. My husband had planned a photo shoot, and between work and healing up, I just hadn’t had much time to put into coordinating outfits, or really anything. So, the night before we ran to Macy’s and I bought a dress. But the day of, I still didn’t have my footwear together. On my way out the door to the shoot, I grabbed my graduation shoes. I’d worn them a lot in private practice.  But heels and yoga don’t mix, and heels and toddlers are a joke, so I RARELY wear heels anymore.

It’s our fifth anniversary tomorrow. It has not been easy. Marriage is really hard y’all. But we made it. Just like me, limping from the brand new  heels on graduation day, (ummm so there was this tradition that involved walking with our walking sticks across the damn campus. . . and the heels were not broken in. . . ) bruised, battered, but victorious, I thought it wasn’t inappropriate to limp through this photo shoot in those same silly shoes. We have been through so much- lay-offs, illness, miscarriage, a baby, new home, new jobs, there’s more. .  . but we’re still here. We made it through. So, we celebrate this moment. And we appreciate what we have. And we love. . .

Namaste

Lady in yellow

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Mommy guilt… And other minor annoyances

Do you think your baby cares if the dishes are done?

Mine doesn’t although she’s generally a neater soul than I.  My sweet girl comes behind me and fully closes the refrigerator door, and savagely clears clutter from her belongings and her bedroom.  Do not place your purse in my two year old’s chair.  It will not go well for you. . . But anway,

I was ill.  I’ll tell you about it later, but I was down.  Like, “in- bed” down for days. I’m not the type of person to really take time off of work or yoga for my illness, unless I don’t have a choice.  After work, I would come home and lay down.  On the weekend, I could barely get up.  I wound up taking a few days off. I’m better now that I’ve given myself time to rest and rejuvenate.  But through it all, I felt so much guilt.

I felt guilt over the time I didn’t spend with my daughter painting, or playing or cooking, or  enjoying the beautiful weather. I felt guilt about turning around and going to work, dropping my girl off at pre-school, only to have her come home to a mommy who was drained-with no energy to play or go on adventures.  I worried aloud to the Mr. that I was not fulfilling my duties as a mommy, that Naomi would feel unloved and abandoned, that I was messing this whole motherhood thing up. . .and it wasn’t even my fault! I couldn’t help that I was sick.

But, it was all in my head. My sweet girl may have noticed mommy was not okay for a while, but it changed nothing, save a few extra heartwarming, “Mommy, are you okay?” questions throughout the day. You see,  my baby doesn’t mind spending an evening in bed with mommy.  In fact, she thinks it’s fun.  She plays in the covers, jumps all over me, and ultimately falls asleep in her favorite place, mommy’s arms. She doesn’t mind when mommy orders a pizza for dinner, lacking the energy to prepare a home-cooked meal. She’s thrilled about the pizza. And she doesn’t care about whether the dishes are done. She would much rather mommy use the rest of her energy to play a game, or practice yoga poses, or do a mini dance a thon around the living room.

Our expectations, are just that- OURS.  And regardless of the reason that we fail to meet our own standards, that doesn’t mean we have to feel guilt.  It just means that life is happening.  LIFE IS HAPPENING. And by now we should know that it is unpredictable, and uncontrollable.

So, be the best mommy you can be and screw the haters, even if the hater is you.  Push through your own difficulties with your head held high.  Show your children that life may not always be perfect, but the love you have for them remains the same.  It’s really all that matters.  I’m sure you guys don’t have this problem,:-) but if you do, share the strategies you use to combat it.

Love y’all

#SoYellowToday

Mommies need nurturing too

Jada Pinkett Smith did an amazing interview with her mother and daughter, and her daughter asked her, “What’s the hardest part about being a mom?”
Her response- (paraphrased) I loved you and your brother and your father so much I lost myself.  I was giving, giving, giving, but I was miserable.  I had to learn to invest in myself.  Take time for myself.  Nurture and take care of myself so that I could be the best me.

Why is this so hard for us mommies to figure out?  Do any of you look up and get to work and realize that you rushed around so much that you didn’t really get yourself together the way you wanted?  Or, have you had an entire week where you never make it home before 8 or 9 pm, and are still tasked with feeding the children, getting baths, homework, cleaning up, etc.? (Not to mention take some time to catch up with your significant other.) I do. Not only that, then I have the nerve to sit around and wonder why I’m tired.  Why I can’t just go, go, go as though I have an inexhaustible reserve of energy and time.  Well  of course I am.  Often, I look up and find that I’ve been giving to my family, my community, my job, and everyone else, and haven’t really, (except for those twenty minutes I locked myself in the bathroom and read a trashy blog), taken any time for myself and my own interests.  Sure, I find pleasure in everyday. . . That’s how I keep going. . . (Nothing lifts my spirits like getting in the car and “Back that Azz up” by Juvenile coming on the radio.  We stop everything and dance.  All of us. .  . mommy, baby, and daddy if he’s in the car.) It’s wonderful and necessary to find beauty in the everyday.  But if you took stock of the last twenty-four hours can you say that you devoted one hour to your own enrichment or  pleasure?  Now, how many did you devote to your your employer, your children’s enrichment, your significant other’s?  Let me guess. . . The tally is a bit lopsided. . . Of course it is, and I’m right there with you.
That, is why I’m attending yoga teacher training, and pursing the path of the yogin. For me, yoga is my me time.  It’s the time I take to practice being present, take time for myself, love myself, and others.  A yoga practice is not just physical, it is a practice of quieting the mind and being fully present.  Check out your local studio, or even a video on youtube. In the future,  I’ll be sharing some of my favorite free yoga sources.  The best thing about yoga is that it can be done anywhere, no equipment necessary.  And as a busy working mom, I need this time more than I ever did.  Check out the video below, and share your comments.  Do Jada’s words resonate with you?  How do you busy, busy, fabulous supermommies find the time to nurture yourself?

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi1_9DJoPrLAhVFFR4KHYZ5ASUQtwIIIDAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DFQK9Ufr4yrY&usg=AFQjCNFGrKnxYIunivoKHyEEjKIfauJAag&sig2=Yfbyhb3v2lGKM3oyAzql1A