I graduated from law school eleven years ago. At the time, it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. I was twenty-four years old. I’d set my sights on a goal and marched towards it. There were times I thought I might quit. When I was fighting and arguing with other women, when my friends excluded me, and made fun of me, and that had nothing to do with my school work- which was grueling, challenging, and mind-altering.
I made it through. And purchased a pair of mulberry stilleto heels to celebrate my graduation. I’ll never forget meeting a lady during a reception after graduation and she looked at me and said, “You are the one with the shoes!” . . . I loved those shoes. I finished law school, walking across the stage to shake the hand of our speaker and the dean, my family watching proudly as I became the first attorney in our family in those shoes. (More to come about life and law after graduation. . .)
Fast forward eleven years later. I had an early miscarriage a few weeks ago. I was down. After the miscarriage, I was struggling with my blog. . . how do I encourage when I need it all for myself. My cup was empty. I was grieving. My husband had planned a photo shoot, and between work and healing up, I just hadn’t had much time to put into coordinating outfits, or really anything. So, the night before we ran to Macy’s and I bought a dress. But the day of, I still didn’t have my footwear together. On my way out the door to the shoot, I grabbed my graduation shoes. I’d worn them a lot in private practice. But heels and yoga don’t mix, and heels and toddlers are a joke, so I RARELY wear heels anymore.
It’s our fifth anniversary tomorrow. It has not been easy. Marriage is really hard y’all. But we made it. Just like me, limping from the brand new heels on graduation day, (ummm so there was this tradition that involved walking with our walking sticks across the damn campus. . . and the heels were not broken in. . . ) bruised, battered, but victorious, I thought it wasn’t inappropriate to limp through this photo shoot in those same silly shoes. We have been through so much- lay-offs, illness, miscarriage, a baby, new home, new jobs, there’s more. . . but we’re still here. We made it through. So, we celebrate this moment. And we appreciate what we have. And we love. . .
Lady in yellow
A Woman Speaks
We all have them. Haters. Sometimes, they come disguised as friends, co-workers, hell, even family. Sometimes, it’s the random hateful racist at the grocery store who makes a comment- loudly, to someone right near you- about how much he loves Donald Trump, and how Trump’s gonna fix this country with his wall. . . after you show this person your id with your “funny” (not-typical American) name (and maybe drop more $ than you should on pink champagne and seafood. . . but hey. . . a girl is gainfully employed and likes nice things). Sometimes, you see them coming, and are able to gird yourself, and laugh it off afterward. . .
But what about those other times?
When the unexpected, unadulterated, hateration comes out of the blue from someone you love and trust? When you go to share good news with a friend and they choose to dump all over it? When you are at the mall and encounter someone so negative, so nasty, that it has the effect of a cold blanket, drowning you in confusion and despair? No? Just me? Ah well, then I’ll write for me.
This is one of my biggest challenges. I really hate to spend too much time on haters, because I’m trying to be super-positive right now, but my spirit is telling me to write this, and if I’ve learned anything over the last 35 years, it’s listen to spirit man. . . It knows what’s up. So, how do you keep your energy up when you encounter someone who would rather shit on your parade then dance in it?
Love them. Love the crap out of them. In my love studies I came across information regarding Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. Dr. Len took a job at Hawaii State Hospital, in a ward where they kept the criminally insane- (much like your haters. . . I mean who could hate on your loveable self?). He worked there for four years. When he started, there was a really high turnover rate, because the members of the ward were so troublesome. After a few months of Dr. Len’s work, the patients healed. Medications were reduced, shackles were released, patients were released! Here’s the kicker- Dr. Len DID NOT see the patients. He would review the files, and work on himself. . . Dr. Joe Vitale, who co-wrote a book with Dr. Len, stated that when he asked Dr. Len, “What was it you were doing that caused those people to change?” Dr. Len said, “I was simply healing the part of me that created them.”
WHAT??? !!!! You mean to tell me we create our haters? I know, I know, this sounds super crazy. Dr. Len was applying the Hawaiian healing technique of ho’oponopono. This starts with the idea that we create our own reality, and that we are totally, one hundred percent responsible for this reality. That means everything- EVERYTHING- is our responsibility. Even the craziness of others. We are totally responsible.
Why does this work? Because by accepting responsibility for suffering, your own suffering, and the suffering of others, you place yourself in a position where you can do something about it. And that doesn’t mean that you can make everything better, right now, all over the place. Man, I wish I could love away poverty and ignorance. But, I can change myself. I can work on myself. I can love myself. Through that love, and the vibrations that come from that love, I can help others, heal others, and maybe even change things. So, can we apply ho’oponopono to our daily lives? Can we work on ourselves, and as a result heal the haters? I’ll tell you how you can apply this amazing technique in my next post.
Meanwhile, let me know how you deal with your haters. Are you working on loving your way through? Do you just forget them and move on? Do you use them as your motivation to move forward? Do you cuss them out and never speak to them again? I’ve done all of the above, but this gal finds more peace when I love my way through. More to come on how you can get your Hawaiian healing on, and help change the world in my next post.
I survive on intimacy & tomorrow/ that’s all I’ve got going. . . .-lady in yellow
Why blog? Why now? Because I don’t have it all together, I’m seeking balance and I’m ready to learn. Because I know I’m not alone.
I turned 35 years old last year. In anticipation for my birthday, which always brings me kind of down, I decided to try one new thing every week. I tried pilates, the barre, new restaurants, and then, one day I went to a hot yoga class. My teacher was amazing, and I left feeling renewed, my mind was at peace, and I’d finally taken time for me.
My life was a mess. I’d worked for years as a trial lawyer, in and out of courtrooms, and jailhouses- representing people through their toughest times. I was so good at working for everyone else, that I’d let myself go. Even when I left that job and took one with a slower pace, I’d forgotten to take time for myself. I was the chair of the Board of Directors for a non-profit organization, ran for a state-wide office with the Bar, and joined another club, which required at least forty-eight hours of community service a year. I had a beautiful toddler, beautiful husband- although we weren’t connected, and a beautiful, if small home. And yet. . . I was still dissatisfied. I’d worked so hard to achieve all of these things, and yet, I wasn’t happy. I was stressed out all the time, and my mood was as changeable as the wind. I was always fussing, often angry, and tired, and I just wasn’t enjoying my life.
Fast forward to today. . . I don’t have it all together. But through my practice I have found the beauty in letting go of effort, and enjoying where you are. I stopped seeking acclaim from those outside, and paid attention to how I feel. . . and you know what? A lot of those extra things left my life. Like, over the course of months, I resigned from the Board of Directors, lost the state-wide election, pulled back from some of my social groups-just to see how it felt. . .it felt fantastic!- and focused on myself and my family. I don’t have it altogether, but hey. . .
“bein alive, and bein a woman, & bein colored/ is a metaphysical dilemma I haven’t conquered yet. . . . Do you see the point?
I’m striving towards being a better me. I’m more focused on the inside, and conquering this metaphysical dilemma. I’m not as concerned with my outside accomplishments, winning cases, and getting bonuses from work. . . I’m more concerned with finding inner peace, and learning to truly love myself and others. . . Join me for this journey. . . I think it’s the one most worth taking. . .
-Lady in Yellow