Tag Archives: love

On law school. . . and marriage. . . in that order. . . after my miscarriage

I graduated from law school eleven years ago.  At the time, it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. I was twenty-four years old. I’d set my sights on a goal and marched towards it.  There were times I thought I might quit. When I was fighting and arguing with other women, when my friends excluded me, and made fun of me, and that had nothing to do with my school work- which was grueling, challenging, and mind-altering.

I made it through. And purchased a pair of mulberry stilleto heels to celebrate my graduation. I’ll never forget meeting a lady during a reception after graduation and she looked at me and said, “You are the one with the shoes!” .  .  . I loved those shoes. I finished law school, walking across the stage to shake the hand of our speaker and the dean, my family watching proudly as I became the first attorney in our family in those shoes. (More to come about life and law after graduation. . .)

Fast forward eleven years later. I had an early miscarriage a few weeks ago. I was down. After the miscarriage,  I was struggling with my blog. . . how do I encourage when I need it all for myself.  My cup was empty.  I was grieving. My husband had planned a photo shoot, and between work and healing up, I just hadn’t had much time to put into coordinating outfits, or really anything. So, the night before we ran to Macy’s and I bought a dress. But the day of, I still didn’t have my footwear together. On my way out the door to the shoot, I grabbed my graduation shoes. I’d worn them a lot in private practice.  But heels and yoga don’t mix, and heels and toddlers are a joke, so I RARELY wear heels anymore.

It’s our fifth anniversary tomorrow. It has not been easy. Marriage is really hard y’all. But we made it. Just like me, limping from the brand new  heels on graduation day, (ummm so there was this tradition that involved walking with our walking sticks across the damn campus. . . and the heels were not broken in. . . ) bruised, battered, but victorious, I thought it wasn’t inappropriate to limp through this photo shoot in those same silly shoes. We have been through so much- lay-offs, illness, miscarriage, a baby, new home, new jobs, there’s more. .  . but we’re still here. We made it through. So, we celebrate this moment. And we appreciate what we have. And we love. . .

Namaste

Lady in yellow

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Haters gonna hate. . . Love your way through. . . .part 2

So, last time we talked about turning your thoughts regarding your haters inward, and using the technique of loving your way through. . . But how. . .

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When someone goes out of their way to sprinkle hate my way, I stop to think to myself, “What was it that caused this person to go out of their way to treat me this way.?”  I used to stop there, and then commence throw a pity party . . . “Oh, it’s just me, they just don’t like me”, or, I’d get angry and kind of defiant, “Who do they think they are? Why are they doing that?” But that line of thinking really didn’t get me anywhere.  Chances are, it doesn’t get you anywhere either.

I recently had a friend crap all over a project I was really excited about.  It seemed that with everything I said, my friend became more and more negative.  At one point, I was told that I was speaking to her like a child, (although I’m pretty sure the opposite was true), and that she would speak to me like one in kind. I honestly had no idea where the negativity came from.  The ferocity with which this “friend” spoke to me blew my mind. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has turned to a friend in excitement only to have that same “friend” act like anything but.  However, this occasion presented to me the perfect opportunity to flex my ho’oponopono muscles.

I stopped my fretting and took  responsibility for the situation- Was there something I said that hit a nerve with this friend?  It’s been a while since we communicated and we have both been through a lot, could she be feeling neglected as a friend?  Have I been the best friend to her that I could be?  My answer was, “There is a lot that I could have personally done differently, that may have prevented this overwhelmingly negative response from my friend.” Of course, sometimes there isn’t anything you really could have done differently, but the point is to take responsibility for what is done. So, I took a deep breath, rolled my eyes up to the sky and said,  I love you.  I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you.  And I did this over and over whenever I got upset.  See, unfortunately, when I encounter haters, I have an inner mean girl who likes to repeat what they say, and get me discouraged. So, anytime I felt my friend’s words echo in my head over the next week or so,(and for me, it’s like that sometimes I get mad for weeks. . . I’m sure you guys let everything go right away. . . I’m working to be like you!)  I would take note and say to myself, I love you.  I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.  And you know what?  My energy changed.  I found motivation to keep moving forward on my project.  After taking responsibility for my part of my friend’s negative reaction, I was able to free myself from the conflict and move toward my goal.  Bonus- I learned something. Ho’oponopono is helpful. . . and don’t work with this negative-ass friend.  See! So much growth. (And another post topic- let the haters go. . . )

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Ho’oponopono harnesses an ages old way of thought, that isn’t just relegated to ancient Hawaiian healing techniques.  In Phillipians in the bible, Paul says to the church, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”  This is kind of what we do with Ho’oponopono.  We think lovely thoughts toward those things that trouble us, and take responsibility.  The technique is so simple:

1.) I love you

2.) I’m sorry

3.) Please forgive me

4.) Thank you.

I know, right.  Revolutionary.  I think we think that we need to work through hours of therapy, and years of a mindfulness practice, and lots and lots and lots of Jesus, to get ourselves to a place where others don’t bother us.

But with this simple technique, you can take responsibility for the feelings of others, and treat them gently, with love.  I was reading James Altucher, and he said that getting angry with other people is dishonest. He said something like, who are we to expect other people to be perfect? To not fail us?  It is dishonest and unfair to do so, and that’s where our anger comes from.  (That alone could be a post by itself 🙂

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So, when someone gets you upset through their craziness, hating on you and yours and what you’re trying to do, rather than get angry. . . take responsibility for the other person’s pain.  Love them, as you would want to be loved.  Repeat to yourself, I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.

You don’t even have to engage your haters with this method.  For me that’s the best part, because I really can’t stand dealing with haters.  From a distance, in your own quiet space you can lend love and light, and watch. . . your haters won’t really bother you anymore.  Your focus is inward, you start to concern yourself with your reactions, your behavior, your motivations.  This takes the energy away from the hater, and brings it into what will hopefully be a realm you can control.  Yourself. Now if only that self control thing were as easy. . . this whole enlightenment game would be a wrap.

If you want to learn more about ho’oponopono, Joe Vitale and Dr. Len wrote an entire book, Zero Limits. You can find out more about it here: http://www.zerolimits.info/

Until next time,

Love,

Lady in Yellow

 

 

 

Yes, you can meditate. . . no, really. . . you can

Hey y’all,

I have had a meditation practice for the last five years or so.  It was born out of complete chaos and stress, I was at a time in my life when I was working non-stop, newly married, and stressed to hell.  I also found out I was pregnant and had a miscarriage in the same evening.  At the time, I didn’t know that part of the reason I felt so bad all the time was that I had a huge fibroid tumor in my abdomen, which was the cause of the miscarriage, as well numerous other health problems, but. . . I digress.

My hubby and I were renting  a house that had a little deck.  We placed chairs out there, and loved listening to music- I bought him a record player as a first anniversary gift, and grilling out.  We were living the good life, except that I was constantly ill and stressed. . .

I started sitting out on the deck all the time. At the time, I was learning about energy, and the manipulation of energy fields around us, and I liked to sit and try to feel the electro-magnetic fields between my hands. . . but I would inevitably get bored, and drift off. I read about a technique, where you repeat a word over and over, and hold it in your heart, I, of course, chose love. I would chant love, love, love to myself with my eyes closed for as long as I could. . .I often found that after  a few minutes of this, I felt calmer, better.  Fast forward to today. . . my yoga practice has led to a full blown meditation obsession.  I meditate for at least ten minutes a day, and I’m working on more.

If you have always wondered what this meditation thing is about, try out this five minute meditation, a few days a week.  Drop me a comment and let me know how it worked for you.  Reminder: THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO MEDITATE.  Don’t be discouraged if your mind wanders. . .that’s why you’re meditating! If you find your mind drifts off toward lunch, or laundry, or your massive to do list, simply tell yourself. . not now, not now. .  and place the thought to the side.  Come back to your mantra. . . if your mind wanders again, tell yourself. . .not now, not now, and come back to your mantra.  I guarantee you’ll look up and be shocked that five minutes have passed, and feel a lot calmer afterward. Now, to the good stuff.

  1. Find a comfortable seat, in a relatively calm environment.  You don’t need to find total silence, because that may not be accessible for you. . . you may even try this standing in line at the grocery store or post office. . I used to practice this way all the time. . Like I said, there is no right way to do this. . .just commit to doing it!
  2. Close your eyes, or if you’re in public and worried about looking cray-(I don’t usually have this problem. . .but I love being a little different sometimes;-) find a stable point to focus your eyes on. Bring your mental focus inward. (I know you’re like, but how, sway?  how?) Go to number 3. . .
  3. Take a deep breath.  A really, really, deep breath. Inhale for a count of eight. . . exhale for a count of ten. . If that’s too hard, inhale for a count of five and exhale for a count of seven.Now repeat. (There’s a science behind the deep breathing. . . I’ll share later, just trust me, the breathing is kinda key. . . especially if you are going to try a short practice.) You can repeat the breath again. . . do it for the whole five minutes, or let it go when it feels right to you. . . like I said. . .this is YOUR meditation practice. Make it yours.
  4. Pick a word, any word. . . I prefer happy words like. . .happy. . love. . . joy. . .  but if you’re tastes run a bit darker, no judgment. . do you. . . just repeat that word, over and over in your head. . .
  5. If your mind wanders away from your word. . . just note that. . . I like to note where my  mind goes also-(usually, it tells you a lot about what your subconscious is working on)- then go back to your mantra.  A simple, non-judgmental response like, “Not now,” can send your brain signals that you aren’t ignoring it. .  . just putting that concern to the side for a while. I promise, you can pick it up when you’re done.
  6. That’s it.  See. . I told you, you could do it.  So, do it. . . Take some time for yourself and get your meditation on.  Try it a few different times in different environments and see how it goes.

With Love,

Lady in Yellow

Do you see the point?

I survive on intimacy & tomorrow/ that’s all I’ve got going. . . .-lady in  yellow

Why blog?  Why now?  Because I don’t have it all together, I’m seeking balance and I’m ready to learn.  Because I know I’m not alone.

I turned 35 years old last year. In anticipation for my birthday, which always brings me kind of down, I decided to try one new thing every week.  I tried pilates, the barre, new restaurants, and then, one day I went to a hot yoga class.  My teacher was amazing, and I left feeling renewed, my mind was at peace, and I’d finally taken time for me.

My life was a mess. I’d worked for years as a trial lawyer, in and out of courtrooms, and jailhouses-  representing people through their toughest times.  I was so good at working for everyone else, that I’d let myself go. Even when I left that job and took one with a slower pace, I’d forgotten to take time for myself.  I was the chair of the Board of Directors for a non-profit organization, ran for a state-wide office with the Bar, and joined another club, which required at least forty-eight hours of community service a year.  I had a beautiful toddler, beautiful husband- although we weren’t connected, and a beautiful, if small home. And yet. . . I was still dissatisfied.  I’d worked so hard to achieve all of these things, and yet, I wasn’t happy.  I was stressed out all the time, and my mood was as changeable as the wind.  I was always fussing, often angry, and tired, and I just wasn’t enjoying my life.

Fast forward to today. . . I don’t have it all together.  But through my practice I have found the beauty in letting go of effort, and enjoying where you are.  I stopped seeking acclaim from those outside, and paid attention to how I feel. . . and you know what?  A lot of those extra things left my life.  Like, over the course of months, I resigned from the Board of Directors, lost the state-wide election, pulled back from some of my social groups-just to see how it felt. . .it felt fantastic!- and focused on myself and my family.  I don’t have it altogether, but hey. . .

“bein alive, and bein a woman, & bein colored/ is a metaphysical dilemma I haven’t conquered yet. . . . Do you see the point?

I’m striving towards being  a better me.  I’m more focused on the inside, and conquering this metaphysical dilemma.  I’m not as concerned with my outside accomplishments, winning cases, and getting bonuses from work. . . I’m more concerned with finding inner peace, and learning to truly love myself and others. . . Join me for this journey. . . I think it’s the one most worth taking. . .

-Lady in Yellow